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Monday, March 27, 2017

Good morning crew,

So we had promotion test at the taekwondo school this weekend. That is always an adventure. I spend months teaching the little kids their fighting forms and kicking and defense combinations until they can do them for me blindfolded. Quite literally. In fact, blindfolding eliminates distractions and the kids are often able to perform better than when they're looking at me for directions.

And then, when the big day comes, all of the parents are crammed into the gym and all eyes are on the kids, they stand in the middle of the mat in front of the master and...

Can't remember a single, solitary thing. Then the parents look at me like, 'What have you been teaching these kids for the last eight weeks?'

Actually, that's not completely true. A lot of the parents hang out and watch the classes, so they know the kids are learning. But it's still a little embarrassing.

Fortunately that phase usually only lasts through the first couple of belts. After that they get used to testing and perform much better.

Plus, by that time they also start sparring classes, which means I get to kick 'em. And that helps with the motivation.

If any parents are interested in having me teach their kids taekwondo, email me!

Laugh it up,


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"Researchers say much of Florida could be underwater by the end of the century. On the bright side, they say it could happen much sooner." -Conan O'Brien


"It's the first day of spring, so congratulations to the people of Nebraska, who survived winter. Now all you've got to do is get through severe thunderstorm and tornado season." -James Corden


"The U.S. Surgeon General released a statement this week that said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, 'Even if you're just going out to have a smoke. Just stand up for once.'" -Jimmy Fallon


Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?"

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