Powered By

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Good morning crew,

The wife went to a bachelorette party last Saturday which turned into an all day affair. And I mean all day. She and the rest of the girls started off with a brunch at 10 a.m. and the next time I heard from her she was calling me at 8 o'clock.

"How is the party going?" I asked.

"Great!" she enthused. "We just finished dinner and we all decided to hit the casino. Want to meet us there?"

"Hon, I don't get paid until next week. I can't afford to go to the casino."

"Come on," she slurred slightly, "Don't you want to come out and party with the girls?"

As I sat there in my bathrobe, the phone in one hand and a game controller in the other, I thought to myself, 'What would 21-year-old Joe do? Would he sit at home alone in front of the TV? Or would he go hang out with a half dozen women who have been drinking for 9 hours?'

Making a quick inventory of my wallet I counted about 150 bucks that I had allocated for groceries and gas the next week.

"Ok. I'll meet you there at nine."

An hour later I was leaning against the bar across from the craps tables when the wife and her gaggle emerged from the crowd and surrounded me. There were hugs and handshakes and a couple of introductions.

As we were standing there I bought a round of drinks by way of congratulating the bride-to-be and listened to a chaotic recap of the day's events.

When the narration ran out of steam one of the girls said, "Ok, I'm going to check out the roulette table."

Another said, "I'm going to try blackjack."

"Anybody want to play some slots with me?" said a third.

"I'll go with!" announced the wife, and ten seconds later I was by myself again. Well, not completely by myself. There was a little, old lady playing video poker at the bar next to me.

So for the next 90 minutes I wandered around, feeding the occasional ten into a machine and watching it disappear. A couple times I caught a glimpse of the wife flitting elusively among the rows of machines, but it was eleven o'clock by the time I caught up with her again. Somehow I had still managed to spend almost the entire night alone, except now I was broke.

On the plus side, the wife ended up winning everything I had lost, plus some. So we were still able to eat this week.

Which is nice.

Laugh it up,


P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"This weekend, we all moved our clocks ahead by one hour. In other words, that's our show, goodnight everybody!" -Conan O'Brien


"Everyone is talking about the big snowstorm expected to hit New York. In fact, some are saying we could experience a whiteout. Things will even out on St. Patrick's Day when we all experience a blackout." -Jimmy Fallon


"Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Quesalupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesalupa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you're probably not drunk enough to eat it. -Seth Meyers


At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner's face or show concern.

Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.

The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend.

"He wants to be a garbage man," he replied.

"That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age."

"Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."

Top Viewed Issues