MOUTHPIECE - March 8, 2017

Good Afternoon,

As I write this I find myself suffering from a bit of sneezing fit. I wish I knew what was causing me to sdfjaio sneeze this severely, but I sudfh really don't have a clue.

Maybe somebody in the office has a oegiarh cat? Maybe I just have a bit of a asfhasjigh head cold? Maybe I'm allergic to TZ's awful musky cologne? asfhjdkgh

At any rate, I'm going to continue to sneeze and mash my keyboard. I asfbhgfag hope you enjoy today's Mouthpiece while I go and get myself asdfgwerg some tissues.

Mouthing Off,
Carl

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[m] q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
--Jackie Mason

"We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head."
--Dennis Miller

"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson



[m] What's On the Web?
Nice One Dad
Enjoy a hilarious hand-picked selection of the best dad jokes from around the internet. Click and laugh all the live long day!

Visit: Nice One Dad


17 Unanswered Movie Questions That Totally Have Answers
Cracked.com: We love to jump on a movie when the plot doesn't make sense. But sometimes those inconsistencies and plot holes are anything but. As it turns out, most of them can be answered pretty easily ... if you know where to look.

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[m] b i t s . n . b o b s
*-- HOW TO WRITE GOOD --*
Avoid alliteration. Always.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Contractions aren't necessary.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Be more or less specific.

Understatement is always best.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be avoided.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

***
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