Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Good morning crew,

We got quite a thunderstorm here in the south Chicagoland area last night. In fact, it was a series of thunderstorms that started at about six and continued in bursts into the early morning, dumping between 2 and 5 inches of water depending on where it was measured.

Suddenly I'm glad I had that monster sump pump installed in my basement a couple years ago.

Some areas got ping pong ball-sized hail and there were even a few tornadoes reported, but mostly what we got in my neighborhood was rain. I know, because I was constantly out in it.

Just as my last class at the taekwondo school was wrapping up it started to come down in earnest. By the time I was changed and ready to walk out the door visibility was down to a couple of feet. I sat around for 5 or 6 minutes waiting for it to let up, but it just came down heavier. Finally I lost my patience and made a dash for the truck.

In the twelve seconds it took me to get inside my truck I was soaked to the skin.

Predictably, two minutes after I started driving the rain slowed to a mist.

The exact same thing happened at the health club. I put in my 45 minutes and when I walked to the door it was coming down again in buckets.

I walked back inside, goofed around on the machines for ten more minutes, but when I went back to the exit it was still a biblical deluge. I knew what was going to happen. No matter how long I waited it was going to keep pouring until I made a dash for the truck. If the little mutt weren't waiting at home for her dinner I would have stayed there until ten o'clock, but finally I gave up and made my run through the down-pour.

By the time I got home five minutes later the air was clear as a bell.

The last straw was the dog. By nine o'clock she had gone six hours without being out of the house, and she was pacing around the back door in the way that says, "Things are peaking, man!"

But she is afraid of severe weather and would not go out of the house alone. So it was either leave her pacing in the kitchen until I had to get out the mop or...back out into the rain.

Granted, the poor thing had to do her business in a downpour, but it was only her first time getting soaked that night.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It's perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun." -Conan O'Brien

***
"A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they are not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo's live stream of a giraffe giving birth. A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor's dog who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates." -James Corden

***
Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me! Mommy said we came from monkeys."

His father replied, "No, your mother was talking about her side of the family."