Friday, February 10, 2017
Good morning crew,
It is my mother-in-law's birthday and my father-in-law invited my wife to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate with them. I plan on tagging along because that's what they get for letting me marry their daughter.
"So where are we going?" I asked the wife last night.
"Steakhouse," she said.
"Mmmm. Someplace nice?"
"Do I have to shave?"
"Would be nice."
"How about a tie?"
"You can skip the tie."
"yes," she sighed in resignation at me, "they're probably going to want you to wear pants."
"These dress codes are really getting oppressive. You know who else had a lot of dress codes? The commies."
"EVERY place requires you to wear pants," she reminded me.
"Eh, I guess I can suffer through it."
Laugh it up,
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"We're now less than a week away from V-Day. Valentine's Day is a test. It's a test of your commitment, your preparedness, a test of whether you love someone enough to waste $100 on flowers that on any other day of the year would cost you $30." -Jimmy Kimmel
"On Monday in Vermont, a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and spilled all over the highway. Luckily, it broad-sided a French toast truck." -Conan O'Brien
"Merriam-Webster dictionary added over 1,000 new words today, including the word 'photobomb.' They didn't WANT to add 'photobomb,' but it jumped in at the last second and kinda ruined the dictionary." -Jimmy Fallon
A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone.
Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won Jackpots on both totaling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.
He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn't run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He returned to his hotel room.
"How did you do?" asked the bride.
The groom shrugged and said, "I lost two dollars."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"