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Sunday, February 12, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

My wife had a hysterectomy in October and some things shifted around in there so she needed to have some supports put in about 6 weeks ago. Last night was supposed to be the night when the Doc gave us the go ahead to pork away.

We had an entire romantic Valentine's Day bone-a-thon planned but at the last visit the Doc said we should wait 2 more weeks, "Just to be safe."

When my wife came out of the office and told me that, the pain in my blue balls sharpened.

"I may as well become a monk now," I said exasperated.

"It'll go fast," she said, "I promise."

"Yeah? Great, thanks." I said.

In the car on the way home Lewis called me. My wife heard my side of the conversation. It went like this:

"Hey, Lewis. No, 2 more weeks. A deep shade of blue, I can't even get my underwear on they hurt so bad. No, she doesn't like to do that anymore. The taste, I guess. Now there's an idea! Probably around two hundred bucks, for a good one. Yeah, I'm in. When do we leave? OK. See you tomorrow."

My wife was aghast. She couldn't even speak.

I looked at her and said, "What?"



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"On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg." -Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What's the difference between a knife and arguing with a woman?
A: A knife has a point.

"50 Shades Darker just released a new immersive virtual reality experience that claims to take you inside the movie. Or as wives everywhere put it, 'Here's my credit card. Why don't you and the kids go to the mall for a couple of hours?'" -Jimmy Fallon

A man, while playing on the front nine of a confusing golf course, became lost as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his predicament and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink for all your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, too. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

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