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Monday, February 6, 2017

Good morning crew,

It has been a long time since I was a kid, and so it has been a long time since I have been treated like a kid. But this weekend I got a little taste of it, and I have to admit it was pretty annoying.

The wife took me to an anniversary dinner for a great aunt and uncle of hers, and upon arriving at the restaurant I made it my first business to find the bar.

Standing on the other side was a weathered patriarch of no few years who probably pegged me as a whipper snapper the instant he clapped eyes on me.

Anyway, without too much forethought I bellied up to the bar and asked the old-timer what kind of scotch he had. He said he had J&B, and I said that was good enough.

"Let me have two fingers over ice," I said, "and top it off with some tonic."

Suddenly he froze with the ice scoop in his hand. "You said you want tonic?"

"That's right."

"In your scotch?"

"Yes, sir."

He kind of shook his head at me and muttered under his breath, probably something along the lines of 'damned kids' and got on with the business of pouring ice in a glass.

I didn't think mixing scotch and tonic was that radical of an idea. Maybe in his decades behind the bar he only ever served purists who never mixed their liquors with anything other than an occasional lime wedge.

But whatever his prejudice he just couldn't bring himself to do it without one last plea to my sanity. With the tonic bottle in-hand he looked over his shoulder at me and asked, "You sure?" Like I was suddenly going to say, 'Damnit, you're right, Pop, what was I thinking? Just give it to me straight. In a dirty glass!'

But all I said was, "Yes. Please. Scotch and tonic."

I wonder how he would have reacted if I asked him to make it like I prepare it for myself at home; with lemonade and ginger ale.

He probably would have kicked me out of the place.

Laugh it up,


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"Hooters is opening a new chain of restaurant called Hoots, where they're ditching their revealing outfits. They're going to have male servers aaaand... they just went out of business." -Jimmy Fallon


"The Westminster Dog Show has added three new breeds to its annual events. Said the dogs, 'Yeah, last year's after party got pretty wild.'" -Seth Meyers


"There is a new restaurant in Spain that just opened where everybody dines in the restaurant completely naked. And you thought it was awkward going to dinner with your parents before." -James Corden


I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I'll see."

He stepped into the bathroom and flushed the toilet and a second
later a sharp yell came from upstairs.

My nephew walked back out and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a fine hotel in Mexico City.

Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

RS: Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh, yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?
G: What?

RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee bayhcem--crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An san tos?
G: What?

RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I don't think so

RS: No? Judo one toes?
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes means."

RS: Toes! toes! Why djew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?
G: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying "Toast." Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter--just put it on the side.

RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?

RS: Copy, tea, mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy--rye?
G: Whatever you say.

RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: You're welcome.

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