Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Good morning crew,
The money pit is starting to get hungry again.
Ever since three repair guys came out to look at the house furnace last year, and all of them kind of shrugging their shoulders at us and saying 'good luck', the wife and I have basically been waiting for the thing to fail.
This winter we have been lucky up until recently. In the last week or so the thing will just randomly stop working. I will come home in the afternoon and discover it is 59 degrees in the house. The odd thing is I can get the furnace working again by restarting it. That is; turning the kill switch on and off. That is the same game we were playing with the thing last year, too.
But getting up in the middle of the night to run down to the basement and fiddle with the furnace does not make a person feel safe and secure about their living conditions, so I asked the wife to make an appointment for the repair guy to come out this morning.
She emailed me about 8:30 and told me he would be there any minute.
"Did you get everything ready for him?" I asked her.
She wrote, "Yep, I emptied out the furnace room and put on my skimpiest lingerie."
"Sounds good," I told her. "Keep me posted."
So I just heard back from her.
I thought for sure this time we would be getting a new furnace, but the wife said the repair guy thought he identified the problem.
"He said the furnace is over-heating," she said.
"Isn't the entire point of a furnace to get hot?" I asked.
"Not if there is nowhere for the heat to go. He said we had a clogged discombobulator valve. That and we have too many vents closed."
"So he thinks the entire problem was caused by a dirty valve and a couple of closed vents?" I asked.
"Yeah. He says we just have a sensitive furnace."
But somehow I'm not convinced a 'sensitive furnace' is the real problem. But for the time being I guess I'll just try not to hurt its feelings and see how things go. It's cheaper than dropping four thousand bucks, anyway.
"And how did he like the lingerie?" I asked finally.
"Loved it," she told me. "He said he's got the exact same outfit except in red."
Laugh it up,
P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives
"The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence - also the only copy stained with barbecue sauce." -Conan O'Brien
"Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk." -Jimmy Fallon
"An art gallery in Finland recently put on an exhibition of paintings created by a brown bear named Juuso. The exhibition sold 15 of the bear's paintings, raising $8,500. Fifteen paintings - that is 14 more paintings than Van Gogh sold in his entire lifetime." -James Corden
Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"
Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.