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Sunday, January 29, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I walked past Lewis the other morning and noticed him leaning back in his chair, a cup of coffee cradled in his hands, a big, stupid grin on his face and an air of peace and serenity about his person.

"What the hell are you grinning about at 8:30 in the morning?" I asked him.

He gave me a conspiratorial wink, "You know that wonderful, relaxed and content feeling you get when your wife wakes you up with a blow job and you get to start your day with an orgasm?"

"My wife or your wife?"



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"If you're vaping inside a McDonald's, inside a WalMart, that's the turducken of white trash." -Suzanne Lawrence

What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

"One thing I have noticed is that when American toddlers find the family gun, they have scary good aim. You never hear a news story where the kid just wings his mom. One shot. One kill. That's their motto."

My wife informed me she had my funeral all planned out. She has picked out a deep mahogany casket. She will have me buried in a black suit with light blue shirt and my power red tie. A red scarf folded neatly into the breast pocket. I will have flowers in all the colors surrounding the casket. All my favorite songs will be sung by the church choir.

She asked me if I had planned her funeral.

I told her I was going to cremate her and toss her ashes into the warm waters of the Caribbean from the back of a singles cruise ship.

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