Thursday, January 26, 2017
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Well, Trump has been president for six days now (I can't even write it without giggling) and the executive actions are coming thick and fast.
With the Chicago natives offing each other like they heard the last man standing gets a Cadillac Eldorado, Trump has threatened to "send in the feds" if Chicago "doesn't fix the horrible 'carnage' going on."
I'm not sure what that means, since the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 prohibits the federal government from using federal military personnel to enforce domestic policies within the United States.
That means whoever "the feds" are supposed to be it cannot be the army or the navy or the airforce. However, Posse Comitatus does not include federal agencies like the Army National Guard or the Coast Guard.
The Coast Guard might be an interesting choice.
Can you imagine a bunch of young guys in life jackets, bell bottoms and those funny little hats patrolling the south east side of Chicago?
Either that would encourage murders, or maybe those guys' penchant for blowjobs would keep everybody too distracted for drivebys.
And then, once the "feds" do move in it's only a short hop, skip and a jump to internment camps.
First they're going to round up illegals, then gang members, then dissidents, then seditionists and subversives, until eventually they get to the gays.
At least that camp will be fabulous. Thee guys from the dissident camp will be sneaking over to the gay camp for the spritzers and canapes.
In fact, if you decorate the camp with enough bling you wouldn't have to round the gays up at all. They would come to you.
Shit, I might be a genius at this fascist stuff. Maybe I can get a job in the Trump administration.
Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: email@example.com
P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives
"A Fox News host claims he saw Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway get into a fistfight at one of the inaugural balls. However, today it was explained to him that 'that's just how Irish people dance.'" -Conan O'Brien
My wife leaves a word jumble for me every morning. Today's was: I WANT A DIVORCE.
Haha - classic, babe! Solved it: WEIRD VACATION.
"Lawmakers in New Hampshire are now backing a bill that would make it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public because they say it could hurt tourism. Then New Orleans said, 'You sure about that?'" -Jimmy Fallon
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"