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Monday, January 16, 2017

Good morning crew,

I found what I think is a very fun and entertaining list of answers children and students have given on various history tests, school papers and other academia.

If you don't laugh at Donkey Hote or "Same to you, Brutus," you don't have a funny bone.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, 'I'm not in the TSA.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"The FDA is warning New Yorkers about Chinese food after a major Brooklyn distributor was found with rats and birds nesting in boxes of ingredients. The distributor says it's all a misunderstanding - those ARE the ingredients." -Seth Meyers

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"President Obama is wrapping things up at the White House. You know, cleaning out his desk, handing over the keys, and spackling over the holes in the office wall so he can get the security deposit back, squeeze a little toothpaste in there." -Stephen Colbert




The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.


Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.


Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.


Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.


Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.


The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.


Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.


In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.


Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."


Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.


It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.


Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.


The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.


Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.


Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.


On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.


Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.


The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.


Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true.


Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

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