Thursday, January 12, 2017
Greetings Laff Lovers,
My boy is in those precocious teenage years when he is starting to think and behave like an 'adult' (for lack of a better word) but he still has a lot of childlike innocence. As a parent I would like to preserve that innocence as long as possible. He has decades to be ruined and corrupted by the world, I want to give him a couple more years of being a kid.
So the other day he was in the car with me and some crazy woman cut me off in traffic. A scathing invective was on my lips in an instant, but at the same instant I remembered who I was in the car with.
So instead of my original oath I stuttered out, "You...you... cucking funt!"
Of course, the boy immediately asked me, "What's a funt?"
I said, "That's when you give possession of the ball to the defense by kicking it to them."
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I heard my neighbor fucking for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall. Turns out her elderly mother had fallen and broken a hip and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help. I kind of feel guilty about jerking off now.
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no. That will never work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "Ok, say I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
"So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay themselves, that I'm starting to worry that I'm really a giant spider." Unknown Facebook post
A fight breaks out at a Redneck wedding, chairs are flying and women are crying.
The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle. They all are brought to the courthouse and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?"
Ol' Johnny-boy speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at a Redneck wedding, it's tradition for the best man to have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy the groom didn't take too kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!"
"Right in the pussy?" The judge cringes, "That must have hurt."
Johnny says, "Hurt? Broke three of ma fingers!"