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Monday, January 9, 2017

Good morning crew,

The Xbox One wasn't the only Christmas fiasco we had.

We have a three bedroom house which means we have three bedroom closets. My wardrobe occupies one, and my poor, suffering wife is has to deal with cramming her few, meager belongings into the other two. As you can imagine, this is a hardship for her.

So after listening to her complaints all year and constantly stepping over stacks of clothes piled on the bedroom floor, I went out and bought her a garment rack. Basically, it is a wardrobe except without sides and a door. It has some nice shelves where she can stack shoes and sweaters and purses, and a big, sturdy bar for hanging lots of clothes.

The only problem was that it needed assembly.

Now, I can follow directions as well as anybody, but when you are dealing with something that is mass produced, and not hand-crafted by 4th generation Amish furniture builders, irregularities are going to creep in.

First, some of the screws weren't quite long enough to hold some of the pieces together. Then, some of the piece didn't quite fit the screw holes.

After an hour the wife and I had the thing about half assembled and we came to an impasse. We finally came to a piece that just would not go in. Twist and jam and force as we might, we could not get it to fit into the slot it was supposed to.

After triple checking the instructions and making absolutely sure we had put the thing together correctly up until that point, we briefly discussed admitting defeat and returning it to the store for a replacement. But I had a plan.

Piece A didn't quite fit in slot B, and piece C definitely didn't fit in slot D, but by juggling the pieces around a little bit I got them to more or less to fit into their new slots without too much trouble. The problem was that now the screw holes no longer lined up.

But that's not a problem to somebody with a power drill.

Out came the Dewalt and a few 'thumb width' measurements and a couple of holes later we finally had the thing fully assembled.

Granted, it's a bit wobbly and it tends to lean to one side, but we braced it up by sticking it in a corner and it works just fine.

That's Chinese engineering vs. American ingenuity for you.

"Well," the wife said philosophically, "at least now this piece of furniture has a story we can remember it by."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. I mean this guy is so lucky. Come on, free scissors! The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like, 'Wait, where's my watch?'" -James Corden

***

"A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night." -Conan O'Brien

***

"A new study found that running for two minutes is just as good for you as working out for 90 minutes. That doesn't sound like a study it sounds like something a chubby guy says after being on the treadmill for two minutes." -Jimmy Fallon

***

On our way to the ski hill, my friend's children decided to "find me a man" by the end of the day.

The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone and therefore, in their minds, single.

To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own. I then made my way to the chair lift. As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age said "Excuse me, but are you single?"

Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."

He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Conflicting Proverbs

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd


It's no wonder we're all confused.

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