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Friday, January 6, 2017

Good morning crew,

Hey! What do you know? The Battlefield game for my Xbox One finally finished downloading last night. And it only took ten days. That's the digital age for you.

Not that I waited ten days to play the stupid system. After the first day's excitement of watching the progress bar creep along, I decided to drive 15 minutes to the store, buy a game on disc, and drive 15 minutes home to play it.

I realize that was terribly old fashioned of me, but I didn't have the patience to wait for the fast method.

Plus, the game I really wanted to play was 'Batman' anyway.

Laugh it up,


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Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams for the first time. Today I asked her to marry me. She said 'no' both times.


Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.


If I could become invisible, I would go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the crap out of him. The round of applause he would get would be amazing.


The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

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