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Thursday, January 5, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

The new year always brings reflection for me. How was I this past year? Where can I improve myself? How was my karma account: did I build up the good and limit the bad? What motivated me? What drove me? Was I grateful?

Hmmm. Well I'm grateful for my wife's hysterectomy. It's the first time in 15 years that we've enjoyed unprotected sex. You see, she could not be on the pill. It 'bothered' her.

Bother my ass! We were only able to have unprotected sex for the three short times she was pregnant. And at those times she was usually sick.

So, yeah, I'm grateful I get to feel how warm and enveloping a snatch can be without a layer of rubber choking my johnson.



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"This weekend is SantaCon, which is the annual bar crawl where people dress up like Santa Claus for a day of drinking. That's right, a drunken bar crawl wearing a Santa suit, or as the real Santa calls that--December 26." -Jimmy Fallon

When I was a boy, my father told me "Whatever you do, you must never open the cellar door."

Well, my father had always been very good to me, reading to me at night and keeping me fed, so for many years I followed his admonition.

But one day my curiosity could no longer be contained. I crept up to the door and slowly slowly drew it open...

And there, to my surprise, was sunshine, green grass, blue skies.

"Boston Medical Center found that 15 percent of 2-year-olds in the Boston area drink as much as 4 ounces of coffee a day. The parents claim they give the kids coffee only when they need it, like when the kid wakes up with a hangover." -Jimmy Kimmel

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline brand petroleum jelly. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all; my husband and I put it on the door knob so the kids can't open the door!"

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