Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Good morning crew,
I picked up the wife's new coffee table last night.
When you look at something in a ten thousand square foot showroom it looks a lot different than it does in a 300-square-foot living room.
First of all, the thing weighs a ton. Two guys with a dolly loaded it into my truck for me at the furniture store, but when I got it home it was just the wife and I who had to move it into the house.
The old coffee table just had four legs and a top. The new one has sides and drawers, plus the top surface is attached to arms and hinges that slide up and out, so there are springs and mechanics in the guts of the thing that all add to its weight.
The whole unit came packed in a giant box full of styrofoam and it took a lot of grunting, maneuvering, cursing and a few crushed fingers to work it out of my truck and through the back door of the house.
Then came the unpacking. There has to be an entire field of engineering that goes into packing boxes, because when we finally got the box broken down I could have sworn we ended up with a greater volume of packing material than the furniture itself.
But eventually, we got it out of the box, dusted free of styrofoam fragments, and situated in front of the sofa.
Do you remember the scene from '2001: A Space Odyssey' when the sun rises over the Monolith? That is what it's like walking into the living room now. It is a big, walnut-colored obelisk that dominates the room.
It is more of a monument than a piece of furniture.
But, maybe I just have to get used to it a bit. I guess I had better, because I am not moving the thing again.
Laugh it up,
P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives
"The biggest dog in the world lives in the U.K. and on its hind legs stands at 7 feet, 6 inches tall. When asked if he likes being taken for a walk, his owner said, 'I love it.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It's perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun." -Conan O'Brien
"A new study suggests that marriage is more beneficial for men than women. The results of the study were shouted at me through a locked bedroom door." -Seth Meyers
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO....'"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.
"Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.
I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"