Monday, December 19, 2016
Good morning crew,
I'm heading off to pick up the wife's new coffee table this afternoon. Somehow I get saddled with this little project. It's a balmy 10 degrees and practically every outdoor surface is covered in a layer of near frictionless ice. Perfect conditions to be moving furniture around.
If you don't hear from me on Wednesday I'll most likely be in the hospital with a slipped or fractured something or other.
Laugh it up,
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"A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it, 'Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys kung fu but then they turned on him using their best kung fu moves. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times — only teach your monkeys your worst Kung Fu moves." -Conan O'Brien
"Scientists said yesterday that the T. rex may have had teeth serrated like a steak knife, which may have helped it eat meat more efficiently. Experts believe the T. rex evolved the knife-like teeth after having so much trouble using regular silverware." -Seth Meyers
When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend.
"I'm seriously considering it, but I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."