Thursday, December 15, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
My reflexes got the better of me today. And it cost me a big, fat, paycheck, too.
When I was out at lunch today I made a couple of personal stops. After the last one I was in my car getting ready to back out of my parking spot, and like I always do I threw my hand over the backrest, turned to look out the back window and backed out into the lane.
Just as I stopped and was about to grab the gear shift to throw the vehicle into Drive, I saw the reverse lights on a delivery truck in a spot just opposite me flash on.
And it was a delivery truck that belonged to one of the big companies. The really big companies.
In the space of about one-and-a-half seconds his brake lights went off, the truck accelerated 3 or 4 feet straight toward my driver's side door, and without thinking my hand paused half-way between the wheel and the shifter and slammed on the horn.
His truck jerked to a stop six inches from my door and a half a second later my brain kicked in and I thought to myself, "Damn! I should have let him hit me."
How often have I fantasized about a driver for some big, heavily insured company running me off the road?
And there I was, in the ideal situation. I would have leapt out of my car, clutching my neck in agony, and begin rolling around the parking lot screaming for a lawyer.
What do you think something like that would be worth? $25k?
But no, my finely-tuned, lightning-like reflexes over-rode the higher, insurance fraud functions of my brain and saved me from what might very well have been a bruised elbow and a five-figure check.
Merry Christmas to me.
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"Researchers at Cornell University have invented a soft robot hand that can touch fragile items and even sense their shape and texture. When asked what they have used the hand for, researchers said, 'That's not important!'" -Jimmy Fallon
Text from daughter to mom:
"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"
Text from mom to daughter:
"Its nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."
Daughter back to mom:
"Oh my God, mom... sorry, I meant to spell gum. But what the hell?"
"A NASA scientist has warned that Earth is unprepared for a surprise asteroid hit, and said, 'There's not a hell of a lot we can do about it.' So, ladies and gentlemen, happy holidays!" -Conan O'Brien
Back and forth...back and forth. In and out...in and out. A little to the right...a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved... Forwards then backwards...forward then backward... Again...and again!
Her heart was pounding now...Her face was flushed...She groaned... softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream, "OK, you smug bastard, so I can't parallel park. You do it!"