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Sunday, November 20, 2016

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I recently stopped by my buddy's office to pick him up for lunch. He was wrapping up a meeting with his accountant and invited me in to meet her. He introduced us and we began chit-chatting.

I told her where we were going to eat and she said, "Oh, the gay side of town."

"Yeah, what's with that?" I asked. "Everywhere you go is filled with homos."

My buddy groaned and apologized for me, but she got wide eyed and laughed nervously. "You can't say that!' she said looking around.

"Why not?"

"Well, I might be a lesbian."

"Well then you just went up a notch or two in my eyes because I love lesbians. It's the boloney smokers that I don't get. But lesbians? I really think I understand lesbians."



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"A group of scientists say they have been able to give paralyzed monkeys back the control of their legs using new implants. Monkeys who got their implants were like, 'My eyes are up here.'" -Seth Meyers

"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police sergeant asked the detective.

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question we could think of."

"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear,' and doze off."

"For the first time ever, scientists have created artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its slaves, etc." -Jimmy Kimmel

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

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