Thursday, November 10, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Last night my wife called me into the room where she was watching the news on television.
"Have you seen all these riots and protests downtown?" she asked. "They're going on in California, too."
"What are they protesting against?" I asked.
"Little late for that, isn't it?"
"Look at them," she continued, pointing to the scenes of fires and riot police, "they must really hate him."
"If they feel so strongly about it," I said, "maybe they should have voted."
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"Florida police arrested a woman this weekend in a storage unit facility after she had assaulted her husband during an argument over which sex position is best. She had argued for missionary, while he had argued for 'in a storage facility.'" -Seth Meyers
For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalised gay marriage and legalised marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
Apparently it hadn't been interpreted correctly before!
"Hillary supporters are threatening that there might be a revolution. Americans these days can't get nine guys to show up for softball every Thursday night, do you think they're going to be signing up for a revolt? 'Ah, I can't do Wednesday, I've got a parent-teacher conference. Can we move the revolt to the weekend?'" -James Corden
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided its self on the amount of SHIT it gives our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressional Representative,
who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)