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THE DAILY GROANER - November 9, 2016

Good Morning Groanies,


I'm still enjoying the media frenzy surrounding the Chicago Cubs and their World Series win. I'm gonna ride this high forever! And thanks to my last column, I received this joke from a reader named Rich.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn't exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hell.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet his two newest eternal residents, and despite rivers of lava and torrents of brimstone, they're standing around in jackets.

"Not hot enough for you?" asked the Devil.

"What, this? Nah, this is like a Spring day in Chicago."

The Devil doesn't take lightly to such a slight, so he decides to really turn things up. The renewed eternal hellfire and inferno has made the screams of the tormented souls in hell even louder. Rivers of lava overflowing their banks. The Devil goes to check on his two Chicagoans, and sure enough he sees them lounging in shorts and t-shirts.

"Not hot enough for you?" the devil queries bewilderedly.

"What, this? Nah, this is like a July in Chicago. In fact, I think the humidity was worse in the summer of '96."

The Devil is even more incensed. He comes up with a new idea. Turn the thermostat way down. The cursed souls in Hell are greeted by new but equally unbearable type of torture. The lava stops flowing, brimstone stops glowing, and wouldn't you know it, the ground they stand on has frozen solid.

The Devil again searches out his two Chicagoans, and to his dismay, they're hugging and cheering.

"What's this all about!?" the Devil roared.

"HELL'S FROZEN OVER! THAT MEANS THEY'VE DONE IT, IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED, THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"


Thanks, Rich. That's a good one. And it shows that no matter what happens, you can't keep Cub Fans down. Go Cubs Go!

Groaningly yours,
Steve


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Jokes? Comments? Questions? Email Steve


*-- What Kind of Tracks Are These? --*

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."

The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." Then the train hit them.



*-- Should I Be Institutionalized? --*

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



*-- Q and A Quickies --*

Q: How do hair stylists speed up their job?

A: They take short cuts!


Q: What is a boxer's favorite drink?

A: Punch.

***

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