Sunday, October 9, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
So tomorrow is Columbus Day, or as the Indians (feathers, not dots) like to call it, "The day everything went to shit."
And I can sympathize with our indigenous friends. Sure, life might not have been idyllic in North America before the Europeans arrived, what with the living in huts and a diet heavy on maize and moose cock. On the other hand they didn't have to deal with the little inconveniences the Europeans brought with them, like syphilis, smallpox and muskets.
But it's not like a wild paradise like North America was going to remain unexploited forever. Somebody was going to get around to building towns and introducing all of the refinements of civilization like religion, guilt and bureaucracy eventually.
Imagine how the Brits felt when the Anglo-Saxons showed up (or the Romans, for that matter).
It was just a question of who would win the whole enchilada. Chris Columbus might have been an Italian (working for Spain), but practically every other European country was looking for new territory to build an empire on.
So, while you're cursing the cruel fate that turned the savage Eden of North America into a homogenized wasteland of fast food and strip malls....remember one thing. It could be a lot worse. North America could have been conquered by the French.
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"A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating 'vacation breasts,' which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That's amazing, isn't it? Who gets a three-week vacation?" -Seth Meyers
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a board in some hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked at me steady and I heard her slowly say, 'I want to let you know right up front, you...you may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'
"According to a new study, the larger the age difference between married couples, the more likely they are to get a divorce. Or as gold-diggers call that, 'the point.'" -Jimmy Fallon
I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Fosters. She didn't like it...so I had it.
Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn't like it... so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.