Thursday, October 6, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I went to my dentist yesterday and while he had both hands in my mouth up to his wrists he was telling me about how he drives ninety minutes, one way, every weekend to cut his brother-in-law's acre-sized lawn while he is out of town for an extended period.
"Ow wong ab ou een a endist?" I asked with the sucky tube in my mouth.
"Oh, going on twenty-five years, now."
"An you shill cud your bruffer-in-wa's wawn?" I asked.
"Oh, I don't mind. It makes my wife happy that we can help him out."
"Oc," I pointed out, "at's ut Gog reated exicans or."
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"He's going to be okay, but a Montana man was attacked by a bear twice in the same day. Afterwards, the man said, 'That's it, no more Tinder for me.'" -Conan O'Brien
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know," she says. "I'm gonna get tits too!"
"A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you're one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right." -Jimmy Fallon
A 60 old woman decided she needed to spice things up with her husband. She remembered when they were first married, in their 20s, she would go braless and he couldn't keep his hands off of her. So she goes into the bedroom and takes off her bra and puts her blouse back on, then goes to the living room and stands between the TV and her husband.
She asks, "So! What do you think?"
He says, "Oh my goodness. you look 40 years younger!"
She asks, "Do you really think so?"
He says, "Yes. Your tits are sagging so much that it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face."