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Thursday, September 22, 2016

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. Remember these guidelines for future reference.



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"Yesterday, California banned the breeding of killer whales in captivity. Good news for orcas, bad news for the orca porn industry." -Conan O'Brien

This is a frightening statistic !

25 percent of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75 percent are running around untreated.

"A food festival in Los Angeles has announced they'll be holding a seminar on cooking with marijuana. The way it works is, you put a frozen pizza in the oven and then you find it the next day when you wake up." -Seth Meyers

Slang From Down Under

One in the departure lounge: The need to defecate imminently.

Picasso Arse: A woman, whose panties are too small for her, so she looks like she has four buttocks.

Starfish Trooper or Arsetronaut: A homosexual.

Swamp Donkey: A deeply unattractive woman.

Tart Fuel or Bitch Piss: Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

Titanic: A woman who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

Up on blocks: Menstruating or otherwise out of action, like a car in a garage. "I don't think I'm in luck tonight, lads., The missus is up on blocks."

Airplane Blonde: One who has bleached or dyed her hair blonde but still has a black box.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at three in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

Breaking The Seal: Your first piss in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Bruce Lee: An erect nipple.

Budgie's Tongue, Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag: The female erection.

Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

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