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Thursday, September 15, 2016

Greetings Laff Lovers,

We went to a coworker's wedding this past weekend and it was quite the hoot. These days when you celebrate something with young people there are all sorts of characters in attendance. I think there was a rugby team there and boy did they like to drink.

Additionally there were your regular scruffy men, preppy men and metro sexuals. And the women?

We had jocks, beauty queens and even a few lesbians. All of them pretty. That could just be my perspective because I'm four weeks into my wife's hysterectomy and the family tomcat is even looking good. I hope I wasn't the creepy guy standing near the dance floor drooling, but I'm pretty much that horny.

I wish I was more sympathetic, but my only thought was: "Two more weeks before Tugboat TZ gets to pull into Tuna Town."

Anyway, I went looking for my wife to ask her to get ready to leave and I found her in the hallway laughing and talking with Clean Laffs Joe.

"TZ!" he said. "Your wife is so funny and charming I was just about to whisk her away!"

Right away I dug in my pocket and reached a few bills out to him. "Here's cab fare," I said turning around. "I'll take your wife."



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"A 700-pound woman is trying to hit 1,000 pounds to reach her goal of becoming the World's Fattest Woman. Although, she still plans to put '700 pounds' on her Tinder profile." -Conan O'Brien

I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night and telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands.

She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her and she said go on then give it a try!

I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she finally lost her patience and asked, "So? When was I born?"

I replied, "Yesterday."

"According to new research from the CDC, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana than their teenage kids. In other words, your mom finally made weed uncool like she did to Myspace." -Jimmy Kimmel

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".

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