Sunday, September 4, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I was talking with an acquaintance just now who happens to be a lawyer. Turns out his father was a lawyer, his grand- father was a lawyer, they've been a family of lawyers for generations.
This got me thinking of the historical identity of my family. Were we doctors? No. Were we writers? No. What we are, and have always been, is entrepreneurs. All the way back to before the Civil War ancestors of mine have been trying to sell somebody something.
I'd like to tell you that I am the seed of some Rockefeller-like mogul, but I'm not. I am the seed of old Great Granny Z, who out of necessity, opened the family's first house of ill repute.
It wasn't just any old brothel, Great Granny Z had class and became the first entrepreneur in the family to distinguish herself as head and shoulders above her peers. She had a credo, and her credo was handed down to the successive generations of entrepreneurs in the family. All sons and daughters who've ever picked up the merchant torch have accepted her credo as their legacy and birthright.
When my great ancestors died, their progeny were not consumed with wills and estates, rather they tried to impart on their young the timeless credo that helped build that wealth.
What was Great Granny Z's whorehouse credo, you ask?
The customer always cums first.
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 24, and her name's Heather.
A sailor came home from a year-long deployment only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO!" she said even more upset.
"Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then?" he yelled.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she screamed.
A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: 'Occupation?'
The German replies: 'No, just a holiday.'
I came across a very funny page today that had a collection of pics of homeless guys with hilarious signs. And if you can't make fun of homeless guys, who can you make fun of? Having nothing better to do I transcribed some of the funnier ones for you right here.
"Father was killed by ninjas. Need money for karate lessons."
"16 wives, 7, hungry dogs, 3 thin cats, 25 kids and still horny. Please help with loose change."
"Will code html for food."
"Will eat for food."
"Need cash for alcohol research."
"Saving up for a hooker."
"Time traveler needs money for new flux capacitor."
"I'm like Obama, I want change."
"Sorry, I'm blind. Can I feel your tits?"
"My wife has been kidnapped. I'm short 99 cents for ransom."