Classic Laff-a-Day - March 25, 2010
Greetings Laff Lovers,
My wife was out with our oldest daughter and the other two
kids were in their pajamas.
"You two stay here, I'll be back in a half an hour. I want
to go to Home Depot."
The older girl was incredulous. "You want us to stay all by
ourselves? Isn't that, like, illegal?"
"You're 11!" I said. "By the time I was 11 I was working in
the slaughter house pulling the guts out of the cows, sheep
and chickens that were headed for the rich people's tables.
Of course, we were so poor I had to give all my money to
"No you weren't!" she cut me off, "Grandma told us you had
"Shutup, kid. If it wasn't for the hole in my pocket I
wouldn't have had anything to play with. I always wanted
one of those official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred
shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock..."
"No you didn't! That was Ralphie!"
"Oh, well, I'm going," I said. "Don't answer the door if an
escaped mental patient knocks on the door. Tell him I'm
taking a dump and he'll have to wait until I'm finished."
"A man in the UK was banned from a public park after he tried
to have sex with a tree. I don't know about you, but I think
Al Gore has finally gone too far." -Jimmy Fallon
Two friends were out walking home from the bar one night.
"Shit," said the first guy, "as soon as I get home, I'm
gonna rip the wife's nylons off!"
"What's the rush?" his friend asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the first
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"Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently
apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who
their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the
conversation as 'awkward.'" -Conan O'Brien
The detective was leafing through the suspect's cime history
folder. "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-
and-run, disorderly conduct, armed Robbery, sexual assault,
"Yeah, I know." said the prisoner. "It took me quite a while
to figure out what I was good at."
As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards
with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden
of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off
the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the
road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw
an attractive woman sitting at a desk.
"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist
camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his member-
ship fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked
along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the
same thing: "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which
had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read
the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Laffaday forum. Check it out here...
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