Subscibe to DEAL OF THE DAY

Classic Laff-a-Day - February 24, 2010

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I never should have let my wife have friends, and I'll
tell you why. She recently confronted me with a list of
celebrities she wants to sleep with. I'm not kidding!

Apparently she got the idea from some of her married
friends who have similar lists. I guess the idea is that
if the unlikely opportunity ever arose for her to climb
into the sack with one of these dream men she should be
able to do it without any incrimination from me.

Her list (still in the drafting stages according to her)
includes; George Clooney, Clive Owen, Matthew McConaughey
and somebody named Josh Duhamel.

"Who the hell is Josh Duhamel?" I asked.

"He's married to Fergie," she responded.

"And who the hell is Fergie?"

Needless to say this discussion quickly devolved into some-
thing of an argument. In an effort to backpedal she told me
that it was only fair that I could have a list too.

So I thought about it for a minute and said, "Okay, the first
dream girl on my list is Cheryl."

"You mean Cheryl from down the street?"

"The very same," I answered.

"You can't pick a neighbor!" she yelled. "It has to be a

"Oh, she's a celebrity in my fantasies."

In retrospect that might not have been the best answer.



"Some scholars of ancient Hebrew are now suggesting that
certain portions of the Bible could have been written
centuries earlier than others. The scholars say they know
this because the newer portions all begin, 'Previously,
on 'The Bible.'" -Conan O'Brien

After our last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut
back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was
not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she
came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45
in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't
given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty
for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

It's Time To Throw That Tupperware Away

"Four TSA workers at Los Angeles International Airport were
videotaped snorting drugs. It was the first time people had
ever seen lines go that fast at the airport." -Jimmy Fallon

An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his
stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his
new-found French friends shooting the breeze. The subject
turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have
one question left. I keep hearing this expression, 'sang
froid'. What does it mean? I know that it literally means,
'cold blood', but how is it used?"

The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a
man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed
with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out
without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is sang froid!"

The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong!
If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand
zere, and say, 'Please don't mind me; continue', zen *zat*
is sang froid!"

"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman
bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there
saying, 'Please continue', and his friend *CAN* continue,
*zat* is sang froid!"

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Laffaday forum. Check it out here...


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