Classic Laff-a-Day - January 17, 2010
Greetings Laff Lovers,
When my kids were little I couldn't wait for them to get
older. They were in such constant need of attention I
fantasized about the day when they would be independent
enough to leave me the hell alone for five minutes.
The optimism of inexperience.
When they were little they were easy to take care of. If
I wanted to keep track of any of them I just locked them
in the car seat or the high chair. I always knew where
they were. I could carry them wherever I wanted to go.
Now they're all over the place. I don't know why I thought
they would be more independent, because they are constantly
at my elbow, asking for money, asking for rides, asking for
new clothes, asking for toys, asking for help with their
I was complaining about this to the wife who cautioned me
that when they do finally start to become really independent,
driving, spending all day at school and sports and eventually
going college, that I am going to suffer from empty nest
"No problem," I answered, "I'll just get a dog and a mistress."
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but
not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money,
time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom
you don't especially like in the present and will learn to
like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as
swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom,
and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual
morals of a man.
PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate
to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised
to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in
the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due
to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who
has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is
interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets
him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a
few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to
be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex
more often than he does.
FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less
often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than
lifting her nightgown.
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall
NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more from her life
with him than just intercourse.
"Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone."
"I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for
eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four
hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." --Sting
It's Time To Throw That Tupperware Away
Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one
morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart.
He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.
"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.
"No," John whispered. "I quit."
"That"s good. When did you quit?"
"Around 9:30 this morning."
"It's been reported that a woman is now trying to sell a
sex tape she made with Tiger Woods. The sex tape will be
available soon at adult bookstores in the Tiger Woods'
section." -Conan O'Brien
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no
4. Insoluble in liquids, but libido increases greatly when
saturated with alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Laffaday forum. Check it out here...
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