Classic Laff-a-Day - December 3, 2010
Greetings Laff Lovers,
The wife is planning a big holiday party next week, so that
means last week she handed me a list of about 20 items that
need fixing around the house.
Things like...a hole in the drywall the kids made when they
were playing "World Wrestling Federation", fixing the guest
bathroom door that won't close properly, replacing a light
switch in the kitchen that doesn't work, etc...
She is under the delusion that with 20 or so friends and
family in the house we should have doors that work and other
luxuries like walls without holes in them.
Who are we? The Hiltons?
Anyway, I took one look at the list and called a great handy
man I know by the name of Frank. Frank could build a house
from the slab up with his eyes closed. He and I spent a ten
hour day on Saturday taking care of about a decade's worth
of repairs, him doing the work and me acting as a gopher
between Frank and The Home Depot.
By the time six o'clock rolled around we had hammered the
last nail and turned the last screw. "Well, that about does
it, TZ," he said. "This is going to be quite a bill. Are
you sure there's nothing else you want me to take care of
before I start adding it up?"
I thought about it for a second... "You know the wife has
been pretty needy lately. How much to wear her out and give
me a little peace and quiet?"
"Fifty bucks," he immediately replied.
"The U.S. deficit set a record this year: $1.4 trillion.
We're teenagers when it comes to money. We want China to
drop us off at the mall with a credit card and come back
at 8 o'clock." -Jimmy Fallon
Chivalry has changed from the days of Sir Walter Raleigh, but
contrary to rumor, it hasn't died out altogether: A man will
still lay his coat at the feet of a pretty girl; the difference
is that nowadays it's intended to keep her back from getting
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"By a vote of 5-2, the Georgia Supreme Court has ruled that
teachers may legally have sex with students 16 or older if
the sex is consensual. Here's what makes matters worse:
Since it's Georgia, a lot of these 16-year-olds are still
in the third grade." -Jay Leno
I went into Satan's office and said, "I want to hire a personal
She stopped what she was doing, paused and said, "But you don't
"I know," I said. "I'm lonely."
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was
sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides.
The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had
I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however.
"I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused
from the case.
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Laffaday forum. Check it out here...
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