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Classic Laff-a-Day - August 25, 2010 http://laffaday.gophercentral.com ------------------------------------------------------------ Greetings Laff Lovers, I saw JA with something in his hand, and when I asked what it was he said, "A book." He then went on to tell me how great it was and how I would be a better human for reading it. So I read it, and I must say, JA was on track this time because I found myself wanting to implement some of my new-found knowledge. Unfortunately for my kids this knowledge includes them going to summer school. When I explained to my children the studies from this book that clearly illustrates why certain people have more fulfilling lives than others (nothing to do with economic class) they got that deer in the headlights look. I don't know why, but after the words 'summer school' their mouths dropped open and drool began running down their chins. My 13-year-old daughter was the first to recover. "Let me get this straight: you read a book and now we have to go to summer school?" "Yes," I replied. "What's the use of reading if it doesn't change you? Make you act differently...better?" "That's not fair! How about some people shouldn't read? Or better yet, read Salem's Lot and go out vampire hunting. But leave the nonfiction to people who know how to use it. You're gonna hurt yourself with it." "Yeah, well, I know Licoln was wrong, the South had the right to secceed but the North won the war anyway...Oh, and I also know you're all going to summer school." Check out Malcomn Gladwell. He's not too much of a fucking idiot. Leg-uppingly, TZ mailto:tz@gophercentral.com "Miss California, Carrie Prejean, blames the wind for blowing her shirt open and unscrupulous photographers for releasing topless shots of her. Here's an idea: If you don't want photographers releasing naked pictures of you, don't stand in front of a camera with your clothes off." -Jimmy Kimmel When my wife came home Sunday afternoon she found the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day. She yelled, "If you keep up this lazy attitude, mister, you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!" "Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this." These step stools get the "TZ Stamp of Approval" Tired of pulling the kitchen chair over to reach the top shelf? Step Easy - The Folding Stool - - - > Less Then $8 http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1076/c/186/a/500 Bored of the same old two-party system? Check out these actual political parties that exist or existed. THE RHINOCEROS PARTY - This Canadian Party existed with a very unusual platform. It included: repealing the law of gravity, paving the province of Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot, providing higher education by building taller schools, instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages, making bubble gum the national currency, putting the national debt on Visa, counting the Thousand Islands to make sure none were missing, and banning lousy Canadian winters. BEER LOVERS PARTY - This post-Soviet assembly was founded in 1993 in the state of Belarus. Among its major goals was the push for the cleanness and quality of the national brew. Its logo was a cartoon of a drunken hedgehog. The party was liquidated in 1998. THE ABSOLUTELY ABSURD PARTY is another Canadian joke party which advocates the following: Lowering the voting age to 14 (Because, after all, when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?), changing the rules in federal elections so that the candidate in last place becomes the elected official, raffling off Senate seats as a fundraising mechanism, and replacing the Department of Defense with a crack elite squad of Rock/Paper/Scissors commandos. THE UNION OF CONSCIENTIOUSLY WORK-SHY ELEMENTS was an unusually successful frivolous political party founded by comedian Jacob Haugaard in Denmark in 1979. Haugaard eventually won a seat in the Danish Parliament by making the following campaign promises: Tail winds on all bicycle paths, better weather, better Christmas presents, more pieces of Renaissance furniture in Ikea, Nutella in Army field rations, more bread for ducks in the park, and free beer and sausages, funded by his state party funding, served to his voters in the public park in Aarhus after each election. (The last three were actually fulfilled during his term in office.) THE HUNGARIAN DOUBLE-TAILED DOG PARTY is a joke political party that was founded in 2004. All of the candidates are named Istvan Nagy, two very common first and last names in Hungary. While not an officially registered party, it never- theless made the following promises in the 2006 elections: Eternal life, world peace, one-day work weeks, two sunsets a day, smaller gravitation, free beer and low taxes. THE McGILLICUDDY SERIOUS PARTY is a joke party in New Zealand that promotes the following: Replacing the Royal New Zealand Armoured Corps with mounted knights, replacing money with chocolate fish as legal tender, using beer as a national defense strategy by leaving many bottles on all beaches so any invading army would abandon its attack and get drunk instead, restricting the vote to only those under 18 (with actual campaign ads run during children's programming), votes for trees (as New Zealanders have a reputation as en- vironmentalists), air bags for the New Zealand Stock Exchange (in case of a crash), good weather (but only if the voters behave), job creation by carpeting the nations highways, and the sending-out of intelligence agents around the world to wipe New Zealand off published maps so no one could invade the country. THE DONALD DUCK PARTY is a Swedish joke political party that received write-in votes before it even existed. Capitalizing on its popularity, one man, Bosse Person, registered it. He is its only member. In 1991, the party received 1,535 write in votes by promoting a platform which advocated free liquor and wider sidewalks. THE HAPPENING HAPPY HIPPY PARTY was a spoof political party that was really more a Web site and "e-zine" that ran in the late '90's and early '00's. It promoted easing the burden on Britain's National Health Service by making accidents illegal and improving Britain's climate by towing the island 200 miles south. THE MARIJUANA PARTY actually exists and is a current US political party that runs candidates who - you guessed it - work tirelessly toward the legalization of marijuana! THE YOUTH INTERNATIONAL PARTY was a highly theatrical and anti-authoritarian political party that existed in the US in the 60's. Its members were called "Yippies." Better known for street theatre and politically themed pranks that mocked the status quo (such as running a pig as its candidate in the 1968 Election and throwing money out to the crowd at the New York Stock Exchange), this socialist countercultural organization was amusingly dubbed the "Groucho Marxists." P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the new Classic Laffaday forum. Check it out here... http://laffaday.gophercentral.com ************************************************************ YOUR VIDEO SNACK BAR Top Viewed Videos... 1. A Mans World http://c.gophercentral.com/OtBO 2. Somewhere Over The Rainbow http://c.gophercentral.com/KiGT 3. Violet is turning Violet http://c.gophercentral.com/jGe3 4. Celebrities: Before and After Make-Up http://c.gophercentral.com/5NOJ 5. Animaniacs-America Song http://c.gophercentral.com/yUFA 6. Amos N´ Andy - In the IRS Office http://c.gophercentral.com/f0vq

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