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August 10, 2010

WOMAN DATING 'BEST FRIEND' IS KEPT HIDDEN FROM HIS KIDS

DEAR ABBY: I have been romantically involved with my best
friend, "Ray," for three years. We dated for a couple of
years 14 years ago. He got a girl pregnant right before we
started dating, and they ended up getting married and having
four more children. We remained friends and began seeing
each other after they divorced three years ago.

Ray says he has always been in love with me and should have
married me. We're very close and spend as much time together
as we can.

For the past year I have been asking when I'll meet his
children. He keeps saying I need to be patient and when the
time is right I can. We live in different cities.

Ray is a great dad -- very involved in his children's lives.
He has them during the week, and on weekends, coaches
basketball for his son, and takes them to their different
activities. etc. I understand they are his first priority.
I just wish he'd include me in that part of his life.

Ray says he wants to marry me. We discuss it often and plan
on living together in the near future. I feel he doesn't want
me to be a part of his life that involves the children. They
range in age from 13 to 3 1/2. They know I exist because he
has my picture by his bed, but he says they don't ask about
me. Am I being "too" patient?
-- REALITY CHECK IN KANSAS

DEAR REALITY: Are you absolutely certain that Ray is
divorced? It seems strange to me that after three years you
still haven't met his children. Or does he plan to have you
move in and "surprise" them? That would be a big mistake.

If my suspicions are wrong and Ray is on the up and up, tell
him you need him to set a definite timeline. You have been
patient long enough.


DEAR ABBY: My cousin "Cassidy" met a man I'll call "Lenny"
online and they started dating. When I met him a few months
later, I recognized him as the man who had sexually assaulted
two women I knew in college. He was convicted of these
crimes, did time in jail and is a registered sex offender.

I was horrified and unsure about how to tell Cassidy. It
turns out Lenny told her before they started dating, but she
chose to date him anyway. They were married at the courthouse
two years ago, a few weeks before my own wedding. I did not
invite Lenny, and my cousin posted a nasty message online
about it. When we are at family functions, I ignore him as
much as I possibly can.

Although their marriage is not a good one, Cassidy is plan-
ning a formal wedding in a few months. I am torn. I don't
support this, and besides, they are already married. If I
don't attend, I'm afraid it will cause a big rift in my
family.

Should I suck it up and put myself in a situation that makes
me sick to my stomach? Or should I stay away with the possi-
bility of upsetting those I care about?
-- RELUCTANT RELATIVE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR RELUCTANT RELATIVE: Your cousin already knows how you
feel about her husband because you tried to warn her. Unless
you're as good an actress as Meryl Streep, your family cannot
have missed the fact that you avoid him as often as possible.
If the idea of attending the upcoming performance gives you
an upset stomach, do everyone a favor and stay away. And if
anyone gives you heat, be upfront about the fact you think
she's making a mistake and would feel like a hypocrite if
you went.



What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting
along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should
Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to:
Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL
61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.