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August 4, 2010

ATTRACTION TO FATHER-IN-LAW IS IN DANGER OF OVERHEATING

DEAR ABBY: I'm 25 and have been married to "Bob" for five
years. The problem is, I'm in love with his 53-year-old
father. I have always been attracted to "Charlie," but my
feelings have escalated since Bob's mother died last year.

After the funeral, Charlie was lonely and started coming to
our house. Most of the time Bob was at work, so Charlie and
I became very close. At one family get-together, Charlie
kissed me passionately in the kitchen when no one was around.

I don't know what to do. I think I am seriously in love with
Charlie, but my husband is a wonderful man and I would never
want to hurt him. If I tell Bob the truth, not only will it
destroy our marriage, but forever ruin Bob's relationship
with his father.

Should I ignore my feelings for Charlie and pretend it never
happened? Or should I tell Bob what happened, hoping he'll
understand?
-- IN LOVE WITH THE OLDER VERSION

DEAR IN LOVE: Charlie may have been lonely and grieving when
he started coming over, but when you both recognized that
you were becoming attracted to each other, a stop should
have been put to it. That he would actually hit on you "when
no one was looking" is disgraceful. (Was he sober?)

If you tell your husband, he will indeed "understand," and I
don't recommend it. You need professional counseling, and
Charlie needs to be told that poaching on the family preserve
is not allowed, so he should spend his lonely hours looking
for company that's available. What you have described isn't
love; it's a scandal.


DEAR ABBY: Two years ago I placed my second child for adop-
tion. I was a single mom with a 3-year-old boy to raise and
the father was in the military for an extended mission. I
thought long and hard before I did it and decided that the
gift I could give to another couple was better than the life
I could offer a child as a single parent.

I am still in contact with the father. We speak often, com-
fort each other and just talk. Some people -- mainly men I
have dated -- find this relationship disturbing. It has
caused two relationships to end.

Abby, am I wrong to continue a friendship with the father of
a child I gave up for adoption? I know that at some point
the past needs to be the past, and I'll have to deal with it
for the rest of my life. Is it wrong to want to have that
other person there to connect with me and understand first-
hand what a hard life decision I went through?
-- GIVEN UP SO MUCH ALREADY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR GIVEN UP SO MUCH: No, but if you are trying to cultivate
and maintain a relationship with someone else, you need to
recognize that clinging to the father of that child and
talking to him "often" was somewhere between threatening and
a turn-off for the men you were involved with. They should
have been the ones providing understanding and comfort --
not him.


DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my boyfriend for three
years. We have often talked about a future together, complete
with a house, kids, etc. I am the breadwinner while he is
working hard to achieve success as an artist. The role re-
versal suits us just fine except for one thing. I would like
to become engaged, but I feel I can't expect him to propose
when I know he has very little money. Abby, should I propose
to him?
-- BREADWINNER IN NEW YORK, N.Y.

DEAR BREADWINNER: I don't see why not. It happens every day!



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