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July 13, 2010
MAN SCHEMES TO RELIVE HIS 'GLORY DAYS' WITHOUT WIFE
DEAR ABBY: My husband started exercising, is now on a strict
diet and listening to love songs from the '60s. He has never
been interested in these things before.
I overheard him on the phone talking about going to his high
school reunion this summer, 400 miles away. When I asked him
why he hadn't mentioned it to me, he said it's because I'm
not invited. I was shocked. Then he said he's going with
three of his old "buddies." I asked if their wives were going
and he said, "No, they're divorced, but have girlfriends."
My husband is now giving me the silent treatment. He has a
history of keeping things from me, but never anything like
this. This is his 50th reunion, and the first one he has ever
wanted to go to. I'm sick about it. What do you make of all
this?
-- HEARTSICK IN OREGON
DEAR HEARTSICK: I make of it that you don't trust your hus-
band because he tries to sneak things past you and wasn't
upfront about this from the beginning. If he had said he was
planning to attend, and that he and three of his old buddies
wanted to pretend they were teenagers again, you might have
felt differently. Because he didn't, I can see why you would
find the situation threatening.
Since you seem to have trouble communicating your feelings
to each other, some sessions with a marriage counselor might
help you reach a better understanding.
P.S. While he's gone, arrange to do something fun with some
of your women friends. A girls' weekend might be a pleasant
diversion, and at this point you need one.
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DEAR ABBY: I left my wife for a much younger woman two years
ago. Despite what my ex-wife says, it was not a mid-life
crisis. I was very unhappy with my wife and our marriage.
Our divorce has been final for seven months -- although I'm
beginning to wonder if it will ever truly be "final."
My girlfriend, "Nicole," is anxious for us to be married and
start building a life together. I'm still overwhelmed from
how unbelievably painful the whole divorce process has been,
and I can't begin to think about getting married again at
the moment.
I have told Nicole that I'm not ready and I need some time.
She says I'm "stringing her along," and even though she
doesn't want to have kids, she still feels her clock is
ticking for finding an acceptable mate. It has reached the
point where Nicole says she is going to leave me if I don't
commit to marrying her.
What is a reasonable time to expect someone to recover and
be emotionally ready to remarry after an extremely bitter
divorce? And what do you suggest?
-- STILL HEALING IN WASHINGTON
DEAR STILL HEALING: Some people are ready to remarry within
months of a divorce. For others, the healing process can
take years. I suggest you call Nicole's bluff. She is anxi-
ous because she is beginning to doubt that she'll get you
to the altar -- and the "biological clock" business she's
handing you is ridiculous in light of the fact that she
doesn't want children.
The feelings you are experiencing are normal after a bitter
divorce. Please do not allow yourself to be stampeded. When
the time is right for you to remarry, you will know it with-
out my telling you.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
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Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.