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June 18, 2010
COUSINS' FORTUNES REVERSE IN YEARS AFTER HIGH SCHOOL
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have always been close. My niece
was popular, blond, petite and a high school cheerleader who
dated the quarterback. My daughter, "Amber," was studious,
wore thick glasses and no makeup, but was happy and well-
liked. We accepted and celebrated their differences.
My niece stayed in town, working part-time in an office and
taking a few classes at junior college while waiting until
her boyfriend finished college, became a professional athlete
and they rode off into the sunset. As fate would have it,
he returned home -- with a new cheerleader.
Amber went off to an Ivy League school on a scholarship.
When she returned home 10 pounds lighter, with long, high-
lighted hair and contact lenses, we didn't recognize her.
She's a knockout!
My sister and my niece have now cooled toward us and make
cutting remarks about Amber. They have started acting
strangely, bad-mouthing the ex-boyfriend and his family,
even at church functions. I want to talk to my sister, but
I'm at a loss on how to start or what to say. Any ideas?
-- LOST IN LONG BEACH
DEAR LOST: You are describing two very unhappy women, for
whom things haven't turned out as planned. Your daughter,
the "ugly duckling," has transitioned into a swan. Congrat-
ulations! She is now considered to be "competition." Now
please try to be gracious. Pick up the phone and call your
sister. Tell her you're concerned about her because she
seems to have become "withdrawn" lately -- and see if you
can draw her out. It appears she and her daughter are going
through a bad time right now.
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DEAR ABBY: I was visiting my father when he got the phone
call from his doctor with the results of his biopsy. It was
lung cancer. I tried my best not to cry, but I couldn't help
myself and my father comforted me.
I want to be strong and "there" for him, but my heart is
breaking because I can't think of anything to make this
better for him. I can't bear the thought of losing him. I
lost my mom five years ago, and Dad helped me through that.
When my father is gone, I will have no one.
I feel guilty that I'm more concerned about my feelings
when I should be concentrating on helping Dad feel better.
I hate that my emotions are so close to the surface. I worry
most of the time anyway, and this has thrown me for a loop.
Have you any advice on how I can pull it together and be
supportive of my father?
-- DEVASTATED IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR DEVASTATED: Yes, I do. Cancer is a scary word, but it
is important to remember that, in many cases, it is not the
death sentence that it was even 10 years ago. In other words,
your father may go into remission or even recover completely.
So please stop panicking that you may lose him, because he
needs you right now.
If you can, accompany him to doctor's appointments. You can
take notes and help him evaluate and understand his treatment
options -- because when people are stressed they sometimes
tend to forget what they have been told or what questions
they wanted to ask.
Contact the American Cancer Society about online and local
support groups that offer up-to-date information regarding
therapies and clinical studies, as well as places to find
the emotional support you are looking for. Help is there if
you just reach out. The toll-free number is (800) 227-2345
and its website is
www.cancer.org.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a
business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money
order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet,
P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is
included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.