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THROW YOUR TUPPERWARE AWAY
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Nov. 19, 2009
GUILT MARS COMFORT COUPLE FINDS IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS
DEAR ABBY: Is there anything wrong with having a lover solely
for the purpose of sex? He is grieving for his late wife (my
best friend), and I am separated from my husband. We're both
lonely and have supported each other through our pain. A few
weeks ago we decided to become lovers.
We both have our eyes open, and we don't expect anything out
of this except a friendship with benefits. I am satisfying
his needs, and he is making me remember the woman I used to
be before I was emotionally beaten down by my husband.
I see myself as enjoying the best of both worlds: I'm
finding myself again, and I don't have to answer to anyone
but me. So, Abby, what do you think? I guess I'm looking for
some validation for our selfishness.
-- FRIEND WITH BENEFITS
DEAR FRIEND: Selfishness? You are both consenting adults.
You can do what you want. Many successful relationships have
begun with two people supporting each other through a painful
period -- and I don't consider that "selfish" at all.
What I AM having trouble understanding is why you haven't
begun divorce proceedings from your emotionally abusive
husband. Once that's started, you should have no reason to
have any second thoughts at all.
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SUPER SIZE SHAMMIE
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DEAR ABBY: My husband of 25 years died last year. How long
do I need to maintain ties with his family? Must I still
give gifts at Christmas and birthdays to all his siblings,
nieces and nephews?
What I need to know is how to ease out of this without
offending them. His parents are still alive, and the most
I want to do is send a card at Christmas.
-- READY TO MOVE ON IN CANADA
DEAR READY TO MOVE ON: No law says that you "have to" main-
tain a gift-giving relationship with your late husband's
relatives. It would be nice, however, to send something to
the nieces and nephews -- if only a few dollars and some
kind words included in a card.
The message that speaks loudest to me in your letter is the
one you did not directly put into words -- that after 25
years of marriage to your husband, you had no meaningful
connection with his family. An acceptable way to begin step-
ping back would be to explain to them that, because of your
reduced circumstances, you are no longer able to send the
usual gifts and will be sending cards during these holidays.
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for all the great advice you have given
over the years. I have enjoyed reading your column since I
can remember.
When I was in high school nine years ago, I gave birth to a
beautiful baby whom I placed in an open adoption with a great
family. I am now in my 20s.
I find that if I mention the adoption, the conversation some-
times becomes awkward. I don't like to mention it with
acquaintances because it's something very personal and I am
somewhat sensitive about it.
When people ask me if I have children, what would be the
appropriate response?
-- BIRTH MOTHER IN MINNESOTA
DEAR BIRTH MOTHER: You are under no obligation to give
chapter and verse about your personal history to anyone
who is only an acquaintance. If you are asked if you have
children, just say no because you are not raising any.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The
Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order,
send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check
or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby --
Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447.
(Postage is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.