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Dec. 10, 2009
GIRL IS ENCOURAGED TO BE SMART WITHOUT BECOMING A SHOW-OFF
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Smart Seventh-Grader" (Sept. 26)
was supportive, but did not address the heart of her problem.
Many years ago I was that little girl. No one had explained
to me there is a difference between knowing the answer to
the teacher's questions and knowing how to THINK.
Her teachers and friends already know she knows all the
answers. She has nothing to prove, so you should have told
her to set herself an intellectual goal of asking questions
in class that will spark the imaginations of other students
and deepen the discussion.
When she can't do that, she can sit quietly and let the
teacher interact with others who don't already know all the
material. If she does, her teachers will bless her today,
and she will bless you for the rest of her life.
No one likes to be around a know-it-all, and the sooner she
learns that lesson the happier she'll be.
-- BARBARA, A LIBRARIAN IN NEW YORK
DEAR BARBARA: While I hate to see any child hide his or her
light under a barrel, you are right about the importance of
children developing social and coping skills. I received a
blitz of e-mail from teachers and parents who echoed your
sentiments.
Read on:
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DEAR ABBY: As a teacher of 30 years, allow me to provide
another response to "Smart Seventh-Grader." It's entirely
possible that the student who accused her of being a "know-
it-all" is one who would like to answer.
Does she raise her hand to answer every question the teacher
asks? Some kids are intimidated by it, so she should limit
herself so others also have a chance to answer. They need a
chance to shine, too.
When kids stop raising their hands because one person always
does, it's hard for the teacher to ignore the one kid. But
teachers want others to learn, too. The ability to listen to
others and share opportunities for learning will make her a
better person.
-- SOUTH CAROLINA TEACHER
DEAR ABBY: I am an adult now, but I was once that child.
Grades came easily to me, and sometimes other kids made fun
of me for being so smart. I purposely missed answers on tests
at times to avoid getting a perfect score and being teased.
I wanted to fit in. I learned early that intelligence was
not something to be prized.
When I was older and began dating, I remember my mom telling
me boys didn't like girls who were smarter or who beat them
at sports or games. So I began hiding the gifts and talents
God had blessed me with. I married young to a man who was
intimidated by my intelligence, so I hid it away piece by
piece until even I began to doubt my capabilities.
Then one day something happened that changed everything. I
was granted another gift -- a daughter who was blessed with
a beautifully intelligent mind and reminded me of myself as
a child. I saw her watch my every step and try to be like me.
It was then that I realized I had to own and embrace my in-
telligence or she would hide hers and allow others to steal
it away piece by piece.
Abby, it was life-changing. It has caused difficulties in my
marriage because I suddenly changed the rules of the game,
and I no longer allow myself to be less so that someone else
can be more -- but that change needed to happen.
May I share with "Smart Seventh-Grader" some of what I have
shared with my daughter? NEVER hide your God-given talents
to make someone else feel better. When people tease you about
being smart, they're showing their own insecurity. Don't be
afraid to answer questions, but don't "show off." Life is a
balance. Embrace your intelligence and view it as the gift
it is. If you let it shine, it will take you far.
-- OLDER AND WISER IN INDIANA
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist
and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a
business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money
order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity
Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage
is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.