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Feb. 23, 2010

FIANCEE'S SHABBY TREATMENT AROUSES MANY READERS' IRE

DEAR ABBY: I agree with the response you gave to "Low
Priority in Pennsylvania" (Dec. 11) that she reconsider her
relationship with her fiance, but not for the reason you may
think. Unless they are kids just out of college, three years
is a long time to be engaged. Add to this the fact that the
man seems to be making no moves to blend his old family with
his new one, and it suggests to me that he isn't really
serious about making his relationship with "Low Priority"
permanent.

After three years, a man who is planning to remarry should
be gently encouraging his biological children to accept the
new relationship. Obviously, when his kids are visiting he
is going to spend a lot of time with them on their own, but
he shouldn't be reluctant to show her affection and respect
in their presence. He also should not be ignoring her or
her child, and there should be time scheduled for all of
them to do things together.

That Sunday breakfast would be a perfect opportunity. A
man who is serious would wake up the whole house and they'd
go to breakfast together. Then afterward, maybe she would go
home and he would take all the kids -- her son included --
to do something fun. Or maybe she should be the one who takes
the kids for an afternoon, to give his kids a chance to get
used to this new woman and negotiate a relationship with her
on their own terms.

The fact that he has done none of this should be a huge red
flag to "Low Priority." She needs to decide if being engaged
for life is good enough, or if she'd rather cut bait and look
for a man who loves and respects her enough to fully incorp-
orate her into his life.
-- JAYMI IN ATLANTA

DEAR JAYMI: Thank you for writing. Many readers disagreed
with my comments and told me emphatically that not only did
they regard the man as an uncaring partner, but also as an
ineffective parent. Read on:

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DEAR ABBY: That man is not being a good parent when he has
his kids. A real parent sets bedtimes and teaches the kids
to consider all the members of the family. He is short-
changing his kids because of his behavior!
-- ELIZABETH IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR ABBY: Through 23 years of marriage I tolerated isolating
behavior from my husband when his two sons were visiting,
first as teens and later as young adults. Nothing worked --
talking to him, ignoring the behavior, taking my own trips
on visit weekends, marriage counseling. I had no say in
matters pertaining to the two stepsons, even though they
affected my marriage and our home life.

My marriage ended when I finally decided if I was going to
feel alone, I might as well enjoy the benefits. My former
husband is now alone and none too happy about it. And his
now grown sons are no more concerned with his feelings than
he was with mine. Children learn by example.
-- FORMER STEPMOTHER

DEAR ABBY: In a family, blended or otherwise, the adults are
the heads of the family. It's the so-called "executive sys-
tem." Their relationship must be kind, harmonious and re-
spectful because it sets the tone for the entire family
dynamic.

The fiance may love his children, but he's actually causing
them more harm by allowing them to rule the roost and see him
essentially mistreat the woman and child with whom he has
lived for three years. The part of your advice I agree with
is that the woman should not marry him.
-- THERAPIST IN MAINE



What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting
along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should
Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to:
Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL
61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.