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THE DAILY GROANER - Wednesday, March 2nd 2011
Good Morning Groanies,
Do you ever talk to yourself?
I talk to myself all of the time. I usually talk to myself
when I'm doing something that has multiple steps like
assembling something, showering, shopping, dressing myself
or using the bathroom.
I talk to myself quite a bit. I talk to myself in public,
at home and even in my sleep. It really freaks Stacy out
sometimes... especially when I answer myself.
I'm actually talking to myself while I was typing this
column. And it doesn't bother me in the least that the
entire office is looking at me in that way they always
seem to. Well, that's not true, the way TZ looks at me
is always bothersome.
Groaningly yours,
Steve
Email Steve: mailto:groaner@gophercentral.com
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There once was an old couple who had been married for
thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an
enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoy-
ance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always
complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her
revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in
the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual
morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed
by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I
finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God,
and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
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A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
came and informed the dad that his son was born without
a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the
dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could.
Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first
drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he
was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink
for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously,
the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The
patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"
The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged
his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another
drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the
whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy.
With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink,
and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy
stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He
stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front
door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The
bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit
while he was a head."
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Q: How do you know when you're really a loser?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
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