THE DAILY GROANER - July 9, 2014

Good Morning Groanies,

Ready for a new list of messages from fortune cookies that are even better when you add "...in bed" at the end?

We played this game before, right? Probably.

Here's how it goes, in case it slipped your mind. Just add "...in bed" to the end of these mass-produced fraudulent recommendations and they really take on a whole new, hilarious meaning. Enjoy.

1. Your random act of kindness today will spread quickly to others...
2. People will find it difficult to resist your propositions...
3. Your perseverance will pay off soon...
4. Something special will happen at home soon...
5. You may accomplish more by being direct...
6. You will run into an old friend soon...
7. You are careful and systematic...
8. A secret adventure is in store for you...
9. The husband is the boss - if the wife allows...
10. Your talents will be recognized and rewarded...

It's always fun to take a good thing and make it better. Like putting butter on popcorn or sunglasses on a monkey.

Groaningly yours,
Steve

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Jokes? Comments? Questions? Email Steve


*-- How Did You Die? --*
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.


*-- Call Me An Ambulance! --*
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!


*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: Do you know how long cows should be milked?

A: The same as short ones.


Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A: DUNG!

***
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