THE DAILY GROANER - Monday, November 7th 2011

Good Morning Groanies,

Today, some might say that '90s action film star Steven Seagal's career has seen better days. Some might comment on his rather bloated physique, his receding hairline; even his pathetic attempted to make a comeback in the realm of reality television.

However, I believe that Steven Seagal is a bigger star today than when he was in his "Under Siege" period. I recently took a look at his filmography and discovered that this 59-year-old martial artist, actor, sheriff's deputy, poet, musician, spiritualist and environmentalist has a rather hefty body of work on the horizon.

Check out some of these "Must-See" direct to DVD titles that will be available in a Wal-Mart $5 bin some time next year.

Steven Seagal in...You Can't Eat Just One

Steven Seagal in...Fries Down Below

Steven Seagal is...On Deadly Ground Beef

Steven Seagal is...Out For Lunch

Steven Seagal in...Deep Fried Justice

Steven Seagal is...Above the Weight Limit

Steven Seagal in...Can't Stop Sweating

Steven Seagal in...Tight Pants

Steven Seagal is...Having Seconds

Steven Seagal in...Half Past Donuts

Hey, here's something you'll never see Steven Seagal in...A Subway Restaurant! Zing! You suck, Steven Seagal. You're a bad actor, an egomaniac, a crappy musician, a bad cop and you dress like a you just got off of your shift at the Benihana.

Oh, this was fun. Trashing Seagal rules!

Groaningly yours,
Steve

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*-- My Wife Is Pregnant --*
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

*-- The Best Bars --*
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they ask, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

A: They wear snow caps.


Q: Why did it take the monster 10 months to finish a book?

A: Because he wasn't very hungry.

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