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THE DAILY GROANER - Wednesday, December 1st 2010
Good Morning Groanies,
To celebrate my 30th Birthday, which is today, I have a
question for you, what is the deal with birthday wishes? I
think I missed a meeting or something. I had no idea that
there was such a gray area with the rules and regulations
that went along with this tradition. It's mind-numbing!
Let's talk about the candles. Sources inform me that it is
believed that if the birthday boy or girl blows out all of
the candles on their cake in one breath, then they are to
be the recipient of good luck. Well, what if you don't blow
them all out, are you plagued with bad luck or do you get
no luck at all? What if you only blow out half of the
candles, is your luck-ratio 50/50? What if you come from
a family of turd-birds and they use trick candles on your
cake, does luck even factor in to that particular birthday?
I really need a ruling on this "candle-luck" thing!
Let's talk about the actual wish. I've been told that you
cannot let your wish be known by anyone or it won't come
true. From the general public to your closest confidant
your wish must remain a secret or it's all for naught.
Well, what if your wish comes true, can you let others
know about it or must it remain a secret? What if your
wish was to be able to tell others about your wish, does
that violate some sort of rule or law or does it disrupt
the spacetime continuum or is it like "crossing the
streams" in "Ghostbusters"? I'm very confused here. What
if you wished for something bad to happen to someone and
you feel regret for wishing such a thing and you want to
go to confession for absolution, can you tell the priest
your wish? I need guidelines people!
I just want to make sure that when I make my birthday wish
and blow out my candles tonight I don't somehow screw
myself out of some good luck and a particular awesome
wish... you know like getting a trampoline as a b-day gift.
Damn it!!! Well, better luck next year.
Groaningly yours,
Steve
Email Steve: mailto:groaner@gophercentral.com
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits
down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a
beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer
to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served
a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the
bar."
The bartender then says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,
eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again
demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on
drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
Then the bartender says, "You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate."
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A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking
creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature
and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
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Q: What would you name a dog with no legs?
A: Marlboro since every night you have to take him out for
a drag.
Q: Have you heard of the mechanic who worked on mufflers
all day?
A: At night he was exhausted.
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