THE DAILY GROANER - Monday, July 30th 2012

Good Morning Groanies,

The 2012 Summer Olympics have begun! The thrill of victory. The agony of defeat. The medals. The skin tight gymnastic leotards & unitards. The drug screenings. The one white guy running the 200m that doesn't have a snowballs chance of getting near a medal so he pretends to pull a hammy to save face. The badminton. The synchronized swimming. The table tennis. Exciting, right?

When I was a kid the excitement and the anticipation for the Olympics was everywhere. We couldn't wait to watch. We couldn't wait to root for our nation's most skilled amateur athletes as they fought to see their dreams for gold become a reality.

Now, we watch a bunch of genetically engineered super-champions break world record after world record like it's as easy as getting into a fender-bender with Lindsay Lohan.

I only cared about the Olympics when I was cheering for the underdog. It was the feeling of surprise and pride when one of our athletes did the impossible and achieved the gold. Remember the "Miracle on Ice"? Exactly!

Now when it's on I don't care. I have no investment in what's happening. There's nothing at stake. Why am I rooting for these people? Why am I watching these people? What the hell is Equestrian Dressage? Oh, it's horse dancing. Wouldn't want to miss that!

Oh, who am I kidding? You and I know that I'm going to watch... women's gymnastics. Work those uneven bars ladies! USA! USA! USA!

Groaningly yours,
Steve

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*-- I Raise Sea Cows --*
There was a man in Florida who raised "sea cows" or manatees. He soon had so many of them that he stopped giving them names and just assigned them letters of the alphabet. A, B, C, etc. He let them all swim free in the lagoon beside his house. Except for "U", which he kept in a special pen.

I guess he was afraid of losing his "u" manatee.


*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?

A: You put lox on it.


Q: What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?

A: A diamond in the rough.


*-- More Q and A Quickies --*
Q: Why do female parachutists wear jock straps?

A: So they don't whistle on the way down.


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A: A pachydermatologist.

***
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