THE DAILY GROANER - Monday, Feb. 6th 2012

Good Morning Groanies,

Here's a column that I put out two years ago. It's funny, weird and is very interesting especially with a kid on the way. Enjoy.

Stacy and I started talking about the possibility of becoming parents. We really want to have kids. Just the thought of having kids...

We already have names picked out for our theoretical children. That was the easy part. The hard part is deciding what to have the kids call me. I think that "Dad", "Daddy", and "Father" have had their day in the sun. I want my kids to call me something that makes a statement. A term, a moniker that is both unique and regal. Something that the kids would be proud to call their father. Which brings me to my list.

I have compiled a list of names my kids can use in reference to me. Of course I'll let them pick it out, hence the list. Okay, here we go (in no particular order)...

1. Pappy
2. Papa Jake
3. Sweeps
4. The Colonel
5. Hal McBeef
6. Catfish
7. Sheriff Tippy
8. Sir Chester Cheese
9. Frugal Mac Doogal
10. King Pop Mop III

That's a pretty good list if I do say so myself. Personally, I like number 6 the best, wouldn't you agree? I guess I'll keep my fingers crossed and we will see what happens when that day comes around.

So, there you have it. Now, after reading that, and knowing that I have a little boy on the way, I know the first time I hear him call me dad or dada or daddy...I'm just going to go to pieces. I can't wait for that moment. I can't wait to be a dad.

Groaningly yours,
Steve

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*-- Let's Clear the Air --*
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor.

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled, "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

*-- Nervous Nail Biting --*
Two older ladies were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my George would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Herbert used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: What did the depressed lake say to itself?

A: I'm not worth a dam.


Q: Why did the cyclops have to shut down his school?

A: He had only one pupil.

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