THE DAILY GROANER - Monday, March 5th 2012

Good Morning Groanies,

I've noticed lately that when people are sick in public they tend to forget about common-courtesy. It's true. If you're sick just do us all a favor and stay home.

Now I know when we get sick we feel miserable and it's hard to get through normal daily tasks without coughing, sneezing, barfing, sniffing, drooling, nose-blowing, moaning, groaning, or having to visit the bathroom for an emergency evacuation, but can you just have the decency to do all of those horrendous illness related activities the hell away from me!

When someone gets sick why do they always feel the need to be right up on you to talk to you? Hey, Typhoid Mary, if you have something important to pass my way just email it or write it on a piece of paper, ball it up and chuck it on over. Just keep your Outbreak monkeyness out of my area. Thanks.

And if you have to blow your nose every five seconds and you're surrounded by snot riddled tissues that look like they came out of a diseased pinata then stay home. And wash your hands for crying out loud.

And if you can't stop sneezing due to allergies and you refuse to take anything to help to tame the violent motion and awful sound that you make because it makes you drowsy, well, do the world a favor and put on your PJs because you going to be unconscious faster than a coked-up hummingbird.

All I'm saying is just think about the people around you the next time your feeling under the weather. And if you don't... Well, I guess one way or another you're going to wind up in the hospital.

Groaningly yours,
Steve

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*-- Losing Weight Is Tough --*
Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.

One woman complained that she remained an 'apple-shape' and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.

Her buddy agreed, saying, "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways."

*-- Ran Into the Ex --*
Edward came home from a long business trip and fell into the sofa without saying a word to his wife. She came over to see what was bothering him, and he said, "Well, I ran into Mary - you remember my ex-wife? - and she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me."

"Well," said his wife, "I'll just let you rest, then. I can see you're ex-sauced, Ted."

*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: What is hairy and coughs?

A: A coconut with a cold.


Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?

A: Because it was too heavy to carry.

***
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