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THE DAILY GROANER - April 4, 2016

Good Morning Groanies,

I was really stressed out last week. I was so stressed in fact that I was having all kinds of stress dreams, but there was one in particular that really stuck with me.

I dreamt that I was in my doctor's office complaining of a constant uncontrollable rear pressure release... basically I couldn't stop farting, but that wasn't the weirdest part. The weirdest part was whenever I farted I wouldn't produce the typical sound that we are all accustomed to when "rippin' a beefer" it would sound as if an up-tight British guy was actually saying the word - fart.

It didn't matter where I was, in an elevator, on a bus, in a library, a movie theater, that stuffy Englishman's voice would just unceremoniously announce my passing of gas. It was horrible. I started to talk in an English accent, just to cover up my bizarre bodily function.

This dream, or should I say - nightmare, upset me so bad I woke up in a cold sweat, terrified about what had happened. Then I tooted and heard that standard whoopie cushion sound. I was so relieved... well, in more than one way.

Groaningly yours,

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*-- The Sportman's Double --*

I met an older woman at a club last night.

This isn't usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear.

She asked me if I'd ever had a sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3-some?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

*-- Tom Jones Syndrome --*

Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat?'"

Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

Patient: "Is it common?"

Doctor: "Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"

*-- Q and A Quickies --*

Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

Q: What does a bum call a dumpster?

A: Bed and Breakfast.


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