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THE DAILY GROANER - Wednesday, April 6th 2011
Good Morning Groanies,
Ready for a rant? Today, I'm going to talk about people
and the trivial problems they must overcome to get through
life.
I'm not gonna sugar-coat it, I hate people. And if you are
an avid follower of this online publication I'm sure that
you are well aware of this fact. People are the absolute
worst (present company excluded). It's getting to the point
that I'm seriously considering becoming a shut-in to avoid
the mind-numbing problems that people invent to complicate
their self-involved use of time on this planet. There are
really problems in the world, the tragedy in Japan for
example, but that doesn't stop most from looking at their
lives and thinking, "Hey, I've got it pretty good".
Here's a few of the useless problems that I overheard or
witnessed over the last few days and my unique response
to them.
- A man complained that his kid didn't get the right toy
with the kids' meal. (Oh, the poor unfortunate youngster.
Life is so cruel.)
- A woman complained that the elevator doors don't open or
close fast enough. (Hey, take the stairs you lazy broad!)
- Two woman complained that they weren't sure who to vote
for on 'American Idol'. (Who gives a crap? It doesn't
matter because it's rigged!)
- An old guy complained his fish sandwich was, and I quote,
"Too Fishy". (It's fish you moron!)
- A woman down the block said that her dog didn't under-
stand that she wanted to be alone. (I've got nothing. That
poor dog.)
- A teenager said that the clothes they were sporting
weren't quite "giving off the right vibe". And because of
this they must buy more appropriate clothing to achieve
the correct vibe. (Wow! The future is looking bright for
this country.)
I could go on and on...
What the hell is wrong with people these days? We take
just about every advantage or convenience for granted. We
should be ashamed of ourselves. That should be the mantra
of a program to help these unfortunate turds. They should
repeat, "We should be ashamed of ourselves." And it should
be "we" because if it was "I" they would make it all about
them and that'll get us nowhere.
So I guess the moral of today's column is as follows:
Just leave all of the petty complaining and bitching to
a guy that knows how to do it right... and that's me. You
are welcome.
Groaningly yours,
Steve
Email Steve: mailto:groaner@gophercentral.com
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"I heard about a college girl who went to a fraternity
beer party, got drunk, spent the night with one of the
frat boys and soon discovered she was pregnant.
"After her baby was born, she decided to write a book
about her experience.
She chose to call: "From Beer to Maternity"
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There was a family, Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their
baby. Who was the biggest?
The baby. He was a little Bigger.
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Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
A: Lost.
Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
A: Nice belt.
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