THE DAILY GROANER - February 2, 2015

Good Morning Groanies,

Hey, it's Groundhog Day! Who gives a crap?

So this is what it's come to. We await the word of a rodent about the future of the winter season in this country. That's right, I'm talking about you Punxsutawney Phil and you're wild predictions.

How drunk were we as a people to think that we should appoint a groundhog as the prognosticator of the length of time we must suffer through winter's icy grip?

The fuzzy punk doesn't know a damn thing about the weather, other than, "Hey, it's hot!" or "Hey, it's freakin' freezing out here!" when he pokes his buck-toothed head out of the hole he lives in. What are his credentials to hold such a position of responsibility? Does he know a horse that does the farm report or something? Or, maybe he when to school with a seagull that monitors the tides. This varmint has too much power and it scares me.

What if he got rabies and ran amok? There'd be no stopping him then. He bite you and then say, "You're gonna foam and freeze because winter isn't going anywhere!"

Something has to be done. I'm calling Animal Control and the Weather Channel. Who am I kidding? The Weather Channel doesn't know anything about the weather either.

Groaningly yours,
Steve

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

Jokes? Comments? Questions? Email Steve


*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: What kind of dinosaur is never late?

A: A pronto-saurus.


Q: What washes up on small beaches?

A: Microwaves.


*-- You're In Good Health --*
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.


*-- More Q and A Quickies --*
Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth?

A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.


Q: What did the dolphin say when he bumped into the whale?

A: I didn't do it on porpoise.

***
Missed an Issue? Visit the Daily Groaner Archives