THE DAILY GROANER - May 11, 2015

Good Morning Groanies,

I hope that all of you mother's out there had a wonderful
Mother's Day. It was the 3rd for Stacy and she's getting
better with each one. (Just kidding, honey.)

Now, speaking of 3rds, today is Jack's 3rd birthday! Holy
Moly!

Stacy and I are both taking the day off so that we can
spend it with the Birthday Boy. Hey, he's not the only
one who knows how to enjoy a bouncy house.

So, until I get back from all of the fun, please enjoy
the new jokes, all of which were submitted by one of your
fellow readers. Thank you much, anonymous subscriber. I
laughed. I cried. I felt the 'Points to Ponder' one was
genius!

Groaningly yours,
Steve

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Jokes? Comments? Questions? Email Steve


*-- You Saved My Life --*
Worried about getting the death penalty, a capo on trial for first degree murder had one of his mobsters offer a young blond woman on the jury $100 grand to hold out for manslaughter. Needing the money, she accepted the bribe.

Shortly after, the jury found him guilty of manslaughter and sentenced him to 25 years in prison.

Once he'd settled into the prison routine, he called the juror to thank her. "Thanks so much for saving my life," he said. "I know that holding out for manslaughter must have been difficult."

"You're very welcome," she said, "And you're right, it certainly wasn't easy! Everyone else wanted to acquit you."

(Joke courtesy of BFBOA1)


*-- What Can You Do? --*
An elderly woman entered her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.

"I'm passing gas all the time, Doctor Johnson. Luckily, it's soundless and it doesn't have any odor, but it embarrasses me regardless. In fact, I've passed gas at least twenty times since I've been here! Oh, please, what can you do?"

After a thorough examination, Dr. Johnson sighed and said, "It'll take a little time, Mrs. Harris, but we'll get you fixed up. Here's a prescription. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The following week a very upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.

"Doctor, I don't know what you prescribed, but the problem is much, much worse! I'm farting just as much, but now the smell is terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," the doctor soothed. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

(Joke courtesy of BFBOA1)


*-- Points to Ponder --*
1. We love to shop for new clothes, but we don't realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless.

3. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by his girlfriend's husband.

4. Arguing over a woman's breast size is like choosing between Spaten, Heineken, Carlsberg or Budweiser. Men may claim preferences, but they'll grab whatever's handy.

(For the Hat Trick... BFBOA1)

***
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