THE DAILY GROANER - Wednesday, May 18th 2011

Good Morning Groanies,

While on my way into work this morning I was listening to the radio. During one of the commercial breaks I found one of the ads a bit distracting due to its ridiculousness. And I know a thing or two about ridiculousness.

This particular commercial was for a casino. The announcer went on about, and I'm paraphrasing here, that this was the perfect time to try your luck at the brand-spankin'-new games at this gamble-torium. It also went on to state that due to fact that they now have more slots, tables and other games than any other casino in the state, your chances of winning "BIG" were better than ever.

That sounds unbelievable, right? Sure it does. Now comes the part that bothers me. After you have been thoroughly enticed by the numerous possibilities of gaining an outrageous amount of riches based on games of chance a female announcer pipes in with something to this effect: If you or someone you know has a gambling problem call toll free 1-800-GAMBLER. Wait, what? So now that you have these gambling radio listeners all hot-and-bothered about taking down the house and being a big winner now you say that gambling can be a problem and if it's a problem for you or someone you know you should call a hot-line for help in dealing, no pun intended, with this dangerously addictive behavior. Who are they trying to kid?

The ad at the end should sound something more like this: Hey slot-jockeys! You don't need to make that house payment. You know damn well that your stupid kids don't need a dime for college, because all they're qualified to do is work at the junkyard sucking old farts out of car-seats. You don't need to pay off all of that credit card debt. Take that sweaty wad of cash you got there and get down to the casino and flush your worthless life down the crapper, but be sure to enjoy our $5.99 all-you-can-eat steak and lobster buffet and take in a performance of the Solid-Gold Hip Dancers, the "Ladies Without Walkers Tour". And if you lose your shirt that's okay because we got a number you can call for help, but we don't accept collect calls, but that's how you're going to call us because if your casino experience goes how we designed it to go you won't have the opportunity to call from your room because you maxed out your credit cards, spent all of your cash, pawned your cell and currently don't have a single cent to your name, you poor dumb bastard. But we hope you had a good time and we hope to see you wrestlin' with the one-armed-bandit again real soon.

Don't quote me on it, but I heard that 1-800-GAMBLER gives you 3-to-1 odds you don't make it.

Groaningly yours,
Steve

Questions? Comments? Jokes? Email Steve

Now You Can Follow Me on Twitter: DailyGroaner

Looking for a Laugh? You'll find them on EVTV1.com: Humor Videos


+-- Are We Poisonous? --+
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."


+-- How Did You Make Your Money? --+
A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."


+-- Q and A Quickies --+
Q: Why did Dracula flunk art class?

A: Because he could only draw blood!


Q: Why do sharks live in salt water?

A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze.


Find Your Favorite Jokes at the Daily Groaner Archives!